Can I get real for a moment?
The struggle is real. I feel depression seep into my bones. I feel sluggish. I feel unmotivated and uninspired.
I had a plan for 2021. I had goals. And then depression crept in, again. Just like clockwork in January. I was so inspired, so ready and then the current took me back to sea. I sometimes feel like I’m waving my arms, grasping for air and sinking.
My heart is broken for the world we live in. The reality that so many don’t even see. The one where children are being taken, abused, and disregarded. The one where our voices are silenced. And no one even cares. We are all too busy with life. We are all too heavy to carry one more thing. Yet, I need to find the hope I cling to. I need to keep seeking the light.
My heart is broken. I cannot pretend to be happy. I can’t even focus on my day because there are people out there hurting and I feel so helpless. I wish everyone knew the truth. And, more so, I wish they cared. I wish I saw more people talking about what really matters instead of masks and a phony unconstitutional impeachment trial or what’s for dinner. I hope you’re paying attention. I hope you’re awake.
For now, I find myself focused on what really matters in my life- my faith, my family, my health (mental and emotional), my growth, and my calling. My focus has me spending a lot of time using my hands and creating while searching the heart of God at how I can be heard in a world that doesn’t hear my silent screams, because of people who want so badly to banish my voice that I have to watch what I say.
Friends, my heart is heavy. And I pray that your heart finds truth. And I pray that you will believe the unbelievable realities that are before us. And I hope you find hope in God alone. And I hope you realize there is no divide except where they are dividing us. We are One People Under God. And that is the only truth we need.
I know that so far, this blog has been super heavy, but I want you to know I am not "happy" all the time. I want to be real, raw and honest with you. I want to show you that I empathize with what really matters- that my heart is broken and I too need God to fill the gaps of pain and anger.
I've been spending a lot more time outside, where I feel most connected to God instead of on social media. I've needed to fill my cup instead of constantly pouring out. I've needed to tend to the things that matter.
So, I've been getting a little sun-kissed while rotating livestock fields, transplanting mums and planting tulip bulbs. I've been holding each baby goat for a little longer than normal. I've been digging in my life to find what really matters to my calling and the purpose for which my heart is broken- trying to put to words and a vision what God is trying to teach me.
I feel closer to God when I'm in my boots with dirt under my nails. I feel a part of something bigger when I can take something and plant it and it grow and multiply. I feel empowered when I can make my animals happy and give them what they need. I feel that all of this is preparation like King David when he was only a shepherd- these are the things God is using to prepare my heart for what is next.
For now, I am dialing back my plans. I am living day by day. And, if I'm honest, I'm wayyyyy outside my comfort zone, because I LOVE to plan, to schedule and to live in rhythm but I feel like I missed God in the everyday when I'd skipped ahead.
Then, I read James 4:13-15
"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.'"
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