⚠️ Tear Jerker…
I woke up in the middle of the night, in the holy hours of sleep with this 💭
“You almost didn’t have these!”
If I can be honest here for a moment… I really struggled with the decision to bring our children into our maternity photos.
There were actually multiple things nearly stopping me from these photos altogether:
Vulnerability: I’m not big on showing my body, much less flaunting this big belly for the world to see
Finances: it’s definitely a luxury item
Attention: I don’t like being in front of the camera and the center of attention. (Sure this is probably a shocker since I share my life so openly, but that’s why I know it’s a God thing- He calls us to uncomfortable places.)
Well, it was at the top of my husband’s wishlist (he made that known when we were TTC, that he wanted to have these done. And, that is why I pushed through the negative emotions and pulled my bootstraps up and carried on.
Now, back to the kids… I was in a very frail emotional state when I asked a friend her thoughts on whether or not to include our little kids. (Of course Freddie didn’t want to be included 😂 and that was his choice but we did ask.) While they look an awful lot like me, so I’ve been told, our Littles aren’t biologically mine. I wondered how their mother would feel, I wondered how it would impact her, and how heartbreaking it was to see our growing family with this kind of joy. That stung to me. As that feeling was all too familiar with emotions I had about Freddie’s bio family.
What I realize now is that I wasn’t considering how our kids would have felt left out, as they got older and realized they weren’t included. This very special moment, between US is something we live day in and day out. Our kids talk and hug their baby brother in my tummy every day, nest with me, and make plans with him included.
While my heart hurts that their mom could hurt seeing our life, I realize I also cannot allow our family to suffer because of the circumstances I didn’t choose. But, I will make the BEST of the life we have together and give our kids the best experiences and the most love I can lavish on them… not because she isn’t, but because I am ABLE!
And, I also realize I GET to be their mommy. I guess, it would be more strange if my heart didn't hurt for her. And maybe that's why Freddie came first, to prepare me for this space and feeling that words cannot describe. It's a feeling of jealousy FOR someone else, wishing they got to feel what I do and it sometimes sweeps over me as guilt that I get to be the one. But, I can't let it steal the joy of being the one they choose. I am the one that's living day in and out with them, the one that gets to have lunch picnics on a Wednesday, and takes them for their first day of school. I am the one that they choose to call "Mommy", not because I birthed them, but because I DO (all the mommy things). When I said "I do" to their daddy, I also said "I do" to them and being whatever they need. And it wasn't about standing in the gap of a space left for me to fill, but choosing to love them as my own.
I'm so glad we didn't leave them out. I'm so glad that it makes me uncomfortable, to know that I feel deeply for the void in their mothers' lives and to know Jesus heals spaces people never can, and I get to be the one He chose to fill their life with joy. And I will continue to strive to remind myself that I'm not just a gap filler and I'm not in the business of feeling guilty for the space people leave unfulfilled. But I realize that I am an integral part of the story of my children, which God had worked out long before I arrived.
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Finding joy in every season,